Akatsuki's Answering Machine
by Secret Sheik
Summary: This may be the feudal era, but Akatsuki needs an answering machine for all the calls they get. However, sometimes the answering machine can get pretty weird...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I actually got this idea while I was at work typing out answering machine messages. Um. Enjoy? I'm making up the dates by the way, so... don't be all "omg the 12th isn't a Sunday!!" Use your coping skills.

Akatsuki's Answering Machine

Sunday, August 12th

Pein: _You have reached the answering machine for Akatsuki, please leave a message after the beep._

Hidan: _Don't forget to leave your name and number, seriously!_

Pein: _If you are calling to request a mission to be completed, please, PLEASE ask for Hidan..._

Hidan: _Wait, what the--_

(beep)

Friday, November 21st

Kisame: _If you are hearing this, we're not home! Leave your name, number and a brief message and we'll get back to you. Also, if you are calling about the hole in the wall, I didn't do it._

Itachi: _Kisame... It's still recording..._

Kisame: _Yeah I know._

Itachi: _Are you... expecting that call?_

Kisame: _Itachi-san, it's still recording..._

Itachi: _..._

(beep)

Thursday, December 4th

Konan: _Hello, we are not home at the moment but if you leave your name, number and a message we will be sure to return your call. Please remember to leave any relevant mission information as well as your case number to make sure your call is properly routed._

Sasori: _Konan-sama..._

Konan: _Oh right... Also, Orochimaru, PLEASE stop leaving messages for Sasori. He is not interested. Thanks and have a good day._

(beep)


	2. Chapter 2

Akatsuki's Answering Machine - Ch. 2

Friday, Dec. 25th

Hidan: _Greetings, and may the love of Jashin be with you in these troubling times of candy and trees! We are unavailable right now, but leave your name, number, and sin and I will come and purify you at my earliest convenience. If you need a priest urgently, please dial extension 666 to reach my personal line and voice mail. Thanks and have a fan-fucking-tastic day._

(beep)

Wednesday, April 14th

Kakuzu: _You have reached the desk of Kakuzu, financial manager of Akatsuki. If you have reached this recording, I am either away from my desk or with another client. This message is for today, April 14th, reminding all of you that tomorrow, all of your taxes due and no, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU AN EXTENSION! This is your final warning! If you don't pay up, your heart will be mine!_

Hidan: _(laugh) Your heart will be mine?! Do you realize how that sounded?!_

(incoherent slicing noises)

(beep)

Tuesday, April 1st

Tobi: _Tobi is leaving the answering machine message today! So be a good boy or girl and tell us who you are and where to find you!_

Deidara: _Tobi, get away from that!_

Tobi: _But Leader said...!_

Pein: _April Fool's._

(beep)

Saturday, February 14th

Sasori: _Hello you have reached the answering machine of Sasori, director of construction and engineering for Akatsuki. If you are calling to place an order, please dial extension 103 to reach the desk of Kakuzu, financial manager. If you are calling in regards to a building project, be sure to leave both your invoice number and contract number. Also--_

Deidara: _And if your name is Ino, Sasori-danna REALLY needs a date tonight!_

Sasori: _DEIDARAAA!_

(beep)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: You know, why not leave what other people might SAY on the answering machine? WHY NOT! Oh and I don't own Naruto. Seriously.

Akatsuki's Answering Machine - Ch. 3

Tuesday, December 31st

Deidara: _Yo, you know who you reached, Deidara, pyrotechnics and demolitions expert, if you need it down then I'm up! Please leave a message after the boom and I'll return your call as soon as I can._

Sasori: _After the boom? You mean after the beep..._

Deidara: _Nope..._

(exploding noise)

(beep)

Ino: _Actually that was both a boom and a beep! Hello Sasori, I'm returning your call, and this is for you too, Deidara. I need an extra 100 shooting rockets and 50 smoke bombs for tonight's festival, and please don't make the smoke bombs actually explode this year. They're for little kids, Deidara!_

End of message. Next message.

Pein: _Deidara, you know who this is, and for the last time, stop blowing up things in the living room. I don't care if it makes a more interesting answering machine message. Stop doing it._

End of messages.

Monday, May 6th

Zetsu: _Hello you have reached Zetsu, landscaping, topography __**and human remains disposal unit.**__ If you would, please leave a message after the tone __**as well as the name and number of any nearby dead bodies **__and we will get back to you as soon as possible. __**If you are looking for corpse reanimation specialties, **__please dial extension 369 to reach the Akatsuki Leader's personal line._

(beep)

Tobi: _Hello Zetsu-san! Tobi learned how to use the phone today, Tobi is very good at it!_

Deidara: _Give me that!_ (sounds of a struggle) _Sorry Zetsu-danna, the idiot doesn't really need anything. DO YOU??_

Tobi: _N-No, Deidara-senpai!_

End of message. Next message.

Kisame: _Hey Zetsu, it's just me, wanting to see if you feel like having lunch. I found you a nice fresh one, too! Hope you don't mind if I don't have any._

End of messages.

Sunday, May 29th

Itachi: _You have reached Uchiha Itachi, supervisor of armaments and martial craft. If you are looking for weapons crafting or poison imbibing, please dial extension 380 to reach Sasori. If you need an expert in demonic possession of weapons, please dial extension 550 to reach my partner, Hoshigake Kisame. If you believe that your weapon is possessed by a spirit, please contact Hidan at extension 666. For anything else, please leave your name, number and a brief message and I will contact you as soon as possible. Thank you. Also, if your name is Tobi, the answer is yes, it will work. That is all._

(beep)

Sasuke: _I don't know where you live yet, but I got your phone number! I will find you someday! I swear I will! I'll make you pay!_

End of message. Next message.

Orochimaru: _Why hello there, Itachi-kun, guess what I found in Sasuke's pocket, kukuku... That's right, it's your number! I still think about you, you know... but more importantly about your Sharingan... yes... that's right... the Sharingan... it's definitely not about you. No... Er... Yes, yes, I have Sasuke now so... right..._

End of message. Next message.

Kisame: _Morning, Itachi-san! So uh... are we still on for tonight? Call me back and let me know..._

End of messages.

Monday, May 30th

Pein: _Hello you have reached the voice mail for Uchiha Itachi. Due to recent events, his personal line is temporarily closed. If you have any matters concerning him, please leave your name, number and message after the beep and I will relay it to him directly. Thank you for your patience._

(beep)

Kisame: _Hey Itachi-san, just me again, I heard that creepy message that Orochimaru sent you. Anyway, are you up for another round tonight? Let me know._

End of message. Next message.

Orochimaru: _Kukuku... I won't be put off so easily, Itachi-kun... no... I will find you again, oh yes I will..._

End of message. Next message.

Sasori: _This message is for both you and Itachi, Leader-sama. Orochimaru has been sending me more __messages, but I now have his number on caller ID. One of my agents has traced this number back to his hideout. I am ready and awaiting orders._

End of messages.

Monday, May 30th

Kisame: _Hey, you got the desk of Hoshigake Kisame, demon possessed weapons and other items specialist as well as irrigation services! I'm not around right now so just pop a message to me after the beep and don't die before I can get back to you! Thanks!_

(beep)

Itachi: _Kisame, I would be willing for another round tonight. However, you must be a little more cautious when leaving a message on my new redirected line, Leader-sama was giving me strange looks. Whatever the case, I intend to overcome you this time, I will not submit to you again like I did last night. I have been practicing all day, I'm certain you will be pleased with the results. We will meet again at the same pool hall, but this time I will be the one to break first, I can't help but wonder if you cheated last time..._

End of message. Next message.

Konan: _You were talking about PLAYING POOL?! Thanks for throwing my hopes out the window! Damn it!_

End of messages.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: YAY FOR MORE FUN. I own nothing but this tasty soda in my hands. And now it's gone!

Akatsuki's Answering Machine - ch. 3

Saturday, June 12th

Hidan: _Greetings and salutations, may Jashin be with you. If you have reached this message, I'm probably out gathering another lost sheep or am away from my desk. So stop whining, just leave your name number and whatever after the beep, and have a blessed day._

(beep)

Konan: _Why is it that so many people say have a blessed day at the end of their messages? Anyway, Hidan, we have been getting all kinds of mold and rot under the floorboards, and the inspector said it was due to copious amounts of blood seeping through. I'm sure you had something to do with it..._

End of messages.

Sunday, June 13th

Konan: _Hello you have reached the office of Konan, office supplies and human resources director. If you are calling to place an order, please leave the quantity, quality, and price range along with your message. If you are calling in regards to the origami order for the Takanaka wedding, be assured that your order will be completed on time. Thanks and may Pein be with you._

(beep)

Pein: _Konan, I'm flattered but... Well, anyway, I talked with Mr. Takanaka and they want a few kotobukizuro to go on the main table as well. Thanks and ah... you... have a nice day... ..._

End of message. Next message.

Hidan: _It wasn't me, I swear, seriously! It's that idiot Kakuzu! He's always slicing me open! Go chew him out!_

End of message. Next message.

_Hello this is Mairi with Amegakure Gynecology. This call is to remind you of your appointment on June 21st, 2:00 pm hope to see you then._

End of message. Next message.

Hidan: _And what the fuck is a gynecologist?? Seriously! I want to know!_

End of messages.

Monday, June 21st

Pein: _Welcome, and may I extend my blessings on each and every one of you that call in. You have reached the voice mail of the leader of Akatsuki, contract assassins and fighters for hire. If you require a medical specialist, please leave your message in regards to Sasori. If you are calling to place an order, leave your message in regards to Kakuzu. We are still hiring for one position, so if you feel up to the task to join our team, please leave your message in regards to Konan. Please leave your name, contract number, phone number and a message and one of us will get back to you at our earliest convenience._

(beep)

Konan: _I went to the doctor this afternoon, and everything is just fine. Hidan still doesn't know what a gynecologist is, and I'm not telling him (chuckle) so don't ruin the fun._

End of message. Next message.

_Hello this is Mr. Tazuki with Amegakure Channel 5 news and weather. As much as we appreciate your sanctuary and support, we have been getting complaints about the odd shifts in weather lately, and they're all blaming us! If you would please try and cut back on altering the climate, we would be very appreciative. Thanks._

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _The taxes for this quarter will be filed on schedule. Sasori is reported delinquent, but I think there have been some problems with his latest order._

End of message. Next message.

_Hello this is Mr. Tazuki again, and we apologize for any offense we may have caused you. Just... please don't hit us with lightning again! Thank you._

End of message. Next message.

Sasori: _Leader-sama, as I am sure Kakuzu reported, I will be delinquent on my taxes this quarter. I received a call from Oriental Lumber and the stock they have promised me was suddenly infected with insidious beetles. As my shipment will be late, so too will my taxes._

End of message. Next message.

Tobi: _Tobi wants to join! Let Tobi in! Please please please, Tobi wants to join!_

Zetsu: _Tobi, please stop that **Get away from the phone, moron!** Forgive us, Leader-sama... **This little punk got away from us.**_

End of messages.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I don't own Naruto. Stop reporting me!

Akatsuki's Answering Machine - Ch. 5

Monday, Jan. 5th

Pein: _You have reached the desk of Pein, director of necromantic specialties and leader of the Amegakure Resistance Movement. If you are looking to reanimate a corpse, please leave your name, number, and time of death as well as cause and gender. If the corpse is more than two days old, please refer to Zetsu for disposal. Thank you._

(beep)

Naruto: _Um... is this Pizza Shinobi? Never mind, wrong number, sorry._

End of message. Next message.

Sai: _Oh... I thought this was Pizza Shinobi... I better ask Naruto again what the number was..._

End of message. Next message.

Hidan: _Uh, Leader-sama, I keep getting weird calls from a girl asking if we're Pizza Shinobi. I think the phone book got messed up again. Anyway, her name is Sakura, and uh... If you can't find me tomorrow, then... I'm busy! HAH!_

End of messages

Tuesday, Jan. 6th

Pein: _Hello you have reached the desk of Pein, leader of Amegakure. This is not the number for Pizza Shinobi, they have moved. Their new number can be found in the latest phone book. Thank you for your patience, and leave a message after the beep. Again, we are NOT Pizza Shinobi._

(beep)

Naruto: _Damn it!_ (click)

End of message. Next message.

Rock Lee: _(sounds drunk) Who.... whassis? Whaz... who're you .... uhh... you guys... you-you guys wanna fight? HUH? I'M GONNA BRING IT! I... I'm a little... can't stand... I WILL DEFEAT YOU WITH THE POWER OF... of... uh... what was I... (crunch) (click)_

End of messages.

Hidan: _Hello? ... HELLO? ... Haha I fooled you! I'm not here right now! Bastard. Or bitch. Especially Konan. Leave your grievance after the beep!_

(beep)

Pein: _I've changed the main message directory to state that we are not Pizza Shinobi. As... unique as your message is, you might want to change it for a few days in case they call your extension directly. As for your message... (brief silence) (whispering) She's only being a bitch because it's "that time" so be careful._

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _Your end of quarter taxes from December still have not been filed because they have been smeared with blood. Now, I can appreciate blood just as much as any ninja, but not on official files. Please re-submit them._

End of message. Next message.

Konan: _WHAT?! I'm not a bitch! You're the bitch around here! I bet you're not away from the phone at all! Why I'll... (brief silence) (door slamming open) (faint woman yelling: Konan: I KNEW IT!) (another woman yelling) (Hidan: H-hey! I'm a little busy here!) (Konan yelling)_

Pein: _I tried to warn you. (click)_

End of messages.

Wednesday, Jan. 7th

Konan: _Hello, this is Konan, I'm either away from my desk, with another client, or disemboweling Hidan. I will be gone Jan. 9th through the 11th on a mission with my partner, Pein. If you need to leave us a message, please leave it with Sasori until our return. Thank you, and have a good day._

(beep)

Hidan: _You interrupted a perfectly good time I was having with Sakura! She was showing me how to arrange flowers, but no, you had to go and ruin everything! Fuck! Next time mind your own fucking business! Oh and that "mission" of yours this weekend? WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT REALLY IS SO STOP TRYING TO COVER IT UP. Damn it._

End of message. Next message.

Sakura: _Hi, this is Sakura, remember? I loved the flower you had in your hair, it's paper right? Maybe we could make some arrangements sometime. Give me a call when you get back from your trip!_

End of message. Next message.

_Hello this is Mr. Hirakawa, I found one of your friends passed out drunk on the floor. All he had on him for information was this number, so... I guess he knows you. He has long black hair, red eyes and... wow, they just turned black! Amazing... he must be out cold. Anyway, I'm down at the Amegakure Tavern and Tankard, down on the corner across from the main tower. Please come get him as soon as you can, he's caused a lot of trouble around here._

_End of messages._


	6. Chapter 6

Akatsuki's Answering Machine – Chapter 6

Thursday, January 8th

Kisame: _Yo, you reached Kisame's answering machine. Obviously I'm not here right now or you'd be hearing me say something else. Leave your name, number, complaint or pathetic excuse after the beep and I'll think about calling you back._

(beep)

Sasori: _We found Itachi at the bar last night after that message left on Konan's machine. He's alright, but Kakuzu will undoubtedly be getting back to you about the damages... just letting you know._

End of message. Next message.

Itachi: _Kisame, I apologize if Kakuzu calls you in a little while. I've only just woken up, and I intend to take responsibility for the situation. You may disregard any message you see from him._

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _Kisame, I'm sure you heard that your highly unpredictable partner has been found at the local bar. The one across the street, not the other one. Somehow I have a feeling you were responsible for this, and believe me, I'll make you pay!_

End of message. Next message.

Hidan: _Ha ha, Kisame's in trouble!_

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _Kisame, please disregard my last message, as well as Hidan's message. You're not in trouble and you don't owe anything. Itachi has explained the issue. Thanks._

End of message. Next message.

Sakura: _Hey, wanna go see a movie tonight? Call me!_

End of messages.

Friday, October 30th

Hidan: _Leave a message or fuck off!_

(beep)

Deidara: _Hidan, I really need to know what you're dressing up as for Halloween, un. Uh I need to go, my hand is trying to eat the phone._

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _Just because it's almost Halloween doesn't mean you need to make more ritual markings. If I see one more smear of blood on the common dining table, just remember that there are things far worse than death..._

End of message. Next message.

Pein: _Hidan, you need to stop leaving animal corpses tacked to the outside of the hideout. It makes us even more conspicuous than usual. Thanks. (that was an order by the way)_

End of messages.

Sasori: _I'm not here right now, leave your name, number and order reference number at the beep._

(beep)

Deidara: _Geez, your answering machine is so boring, un. Think of something new once in a while! Um, so, what are you going to dress up as for Halloween? I need to know, because Kakuzu and Konan thought we should all do some kind of themed idea, like for everyone, un. So yeah, let me know._

End of message. Next message.

Konan: _I think Deidara already called you about this, but just so you know, we're thinking of a theme for the whole base for Halloween. Yeah, I know, a bit last minute, but... well anyway, any ideas? Please let me know right away! I don't have any ideas for a theme!_

End of messages.

Pein: _You have reached the desk of Pein, leader of Akatsuki. This is not the number for Pizza Shinobi, Ichiraku Ramen or Kunoichi Corner. If you are calling in regards to Kunoichi Corner, please use the direct extension for Sasori. The new number for Pizza Shinobi is 867-5309. Please leave a message after the beep if in regards to Akatsuki business._

(beep)

Konan: _Please help me think of a company theme this year for Halloween! The holiday is almost here, and it's Hidan's favorite. I must admit I enjoy dressing up in costume... So let me know, alright?_

End of message. Next message.

Kisame: _Pein-sama, I respect Konan as your partner, but this is just getting weird, you know? She keeps going on about Halloween and she's freaking out because nobody has returned her messages. I hid in the shower. I'm not coming out. I don't know if she's... you know... your girl or not, what with the things the others have been saying, but she's your partner. PLEASE try to control this little frenzy, would you? Thanks... SHIT! She's here! Help me leader-sa-- (click)_

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _Please explain to me why YOUR partner attempted to restrain me and interrogated me about __tomorrow... Between her and Hidan, this has been the shittiest holiday I've ever had._

End of message. Next message.

Hidan: _Hey, Leader, your woman is outside my door trying to break in! What the fuck did I do? She keeps asking me about tomorrow but all I'm doing is the same fucking thing I do every year! I'll go out, sacrifice lots of heathens, do a special ritual, and come back and stab myself. What more does she fucking want?!_

End of message. Next message.

Itachi: _I want it GONE._

End of message. Next message.

Deidara: _I think Konan has gone a bit crazy, un. Yeah, I know, I'm crazy too but... yeah. If you need me, I'll be hiding in the usual place, un._

End of messages.

Deidara: _You have reached the answering machine of your favorite pyromaniac, leave a message at the sound of the (exploding noise) (beep)_

Pein: _I'm pretty sure you're the only person that managed to escape from Konan. She's been trying to find you for hours, but only I know where you are. I think I will be able to distract her, and I'm sure you can guess what I'm planning. I hope this works._

End of messages.

Saturday, October 31st

Pein: _You have reached the office of Pein, leader of Akatsuki. Please leave your name, number, and a description of your need after the tone and we will return your call after the holiday._

(beep)

Kisame: _Can... can I come out now? Whatever you did, thank you._

End of message. Next message.

Kakuzu: _I'm pretty sure I know what you did, and although I'm disturbed by that, I still appreciate it. However, Hidan is still around somewhere..._

End of message. Next message.

Hidan: _Ugh! I know what you did, man, and I'm fucking shocked! But damn, it must have been good._

End of message. Next message.

Deidara: _It's good that you took her to an anime convention, she needs to cosplay more, un. That should get it out of her system for a while._

End of messages.


End file.
